So, this whole man thing. (By the way, I was tempted to say guy thing, but there are boys, there are guys, and there are men…and this one is a man. Anyway…) So, this whole man thing.
There was a phrase that kept getting tossed out…by him, by my friends, and by me to Jesus. How my heart should be protected.
How can I protect your heart in this?, he would ask.
(Yeah, he said stuff like that. I know. Dying. )
(No, he’s not available…..back off. )
(Sorry, where was I?? Ah yes, protecting my heart…)
Just make sure you’re protecting your heart, hon, my sweet girls would say.
Jesus, please protect my heart, I would pray though I didn’t really mean it.
Confession #1: I so totally didn’t protect my heart.
Confession #2: I so totally didn’t want to. I was excited and happy and just wanted to enjoy what was happening.
I look at new relationships as if each person is holding a deck of cards in their hands, all fanned out. And you scan your hand and lay a card on the table, one at a time, each taking turns. Like, oh, here’s the time I did this, or you should maybe know this about me, that kind of thing. It should start out small and slow, like with the 2s and 3s, and get deeper as it goes, slapping down the face cards and Aces months, not moments, in.
Should is the key word here. Because that’s not what happened in this instance.
This good man started off sharing something, which I greatly admired, and it drew me in immediately. His honesty attracted me and then set off mine. And very quickly I realized that practically all my cards were on the table. It didn’t scare me. I don’t regret it. And I would probably do the same thing again with this specific man if given a do-over.
And yet, on this side of things, my friends wished I’d gone slower and, you know, protected my heart. Because now I’m hurting a bit, because I miss him, I miss us (100% my fault; 0% his).
But here’s the thing…confession #3: I don’t think I know how to protect my heart. I’m not sure I know how to move slowly in a relationship. In any kind of relationship. I know this will surprise you but I tend to be a bit of an over-sharer. Shocking, but true. But not just on my blog. Or now apparently with men. But with everyone. It’s a blessing and a curse. I think people resonate with me because I share my stuff – which usually includes my flaws more than my strengths – and they feel less alone, and like they can then share with me as well. And that’s a great thing. But it can also come back to bite me. As in, what I’m going through right now.
I’d like to say I do this because I’m pro-authenticity. Because I can’t stand fake people. Because I have lived too much of my life in hiddenness and I’m just not going to do it anymore. And all of this is true and valid.
But I think I know why I really do this. I have this fear that once I’m fully known, the person will run. So let’s just get all the ugly cards out on the table at the outset so you can just run away now and it will hurt me less.
(Side note: I just had this mini-revelation. I have been so hurt by a handful of people over the past few years. And my heart is very protected against them. And one would think that because of how hurt I’ve been, I’d have the drawbridge pulled up indefinitely around this wounded heart of mine, wouldn’t you? But I think, for some odd and beautiful reason, I am wide open these days to the people who love me and to new people, only erecting walls around my heart once you’ve hurt me, not prior. I won’t make someone climb the walls of my heart if they’re not the ones who’ve put the walls up. I come out the gate trusting. And in this specific situation with this specific man, he gave me no reason whatsoever to pull up the drawbridge. So I didn’t.)
God is creative and sovereign and full of surprises so he just might work out this thing between me and this man someday, who knows. But if he doesn’t and if I actually do want a partner again at some point, I’m going to have to figure this out. How to not go all in in the first fifteen minutes. Or even the first fifteen days. How to balance my deep desire to be who I really am, to be accepted for who I really am, for authenticity and transparency in this most important relationship, all the while not giving away the farm before I even find out the guy’s last name or something. Today, all I know, is that this one will be tough for me, because I kinda like going all in.
Reading your blog is like reading my own thoughts! I went through a horrible divorce and custody battle and your blog has really helped me! Thank you for sharing such private thoughts and experiences. Because we are all just trying to figure out this crazy little thing called life!
God Bless you,
Amy
Elizabeth, this is another post that really spoke to a truth I am wrestling with right now. Before the horrid series of affairs my husband allowed into our marriage, I was very trusting, very transparent and very willing to go all in with any relationship. Honesty and transparecy were earmarks in my life. Now, I find myself purposefully withdrawn, carefully considering what I do and don’t share with others and trust….highly overrated. I don’t recognize this reticent, skeptical person – and the person is me! Maybe I overprotect my heart. But the thought of allowing anyone so close and allow them an oporotunity to know me fully is a risk I am not willing to take. Only God can soften my heart in this area. It terrifies me.
Kim, I totally get this. Some people, like me, swing to one end of the spectrum and just oddly trust whoever. But what seems to be more prevalent is those who shut down, understandably. I’d highly recommend a book called Reclaiming Your Heart by Denise Hildreth Jones. It might help you take a few steps to becoming the more open version of yourself that you want to be. And here’s what I console myself with…when I get hurt by someone after opening myself up…it’s only hurt…it’s only sadness…sadness won’t kill us. And it brings us closer to Jesus. -Elisabeth
i think that “guarding your heart” is more about protecting your heart from damage than it is about putting up walls against hurt. It’s about not letting your joy be stolen, not about being unhappy. Your heart hurts because the relationship you thought was possible with this man isn’t possible at this time. But you fell joy knowing that there is someone who is a very good man who is interested in you. You have hope that if he isn’t the man for you, that there may be someone else. this experience has not damaged your heart, it has brought healing. You have learned some things about people and about yourself and have grown.
So keep being open. Just be wise – watch out for those who can cause damage. Take healthy risks. Your heart can take it.
I have been following your blog for some time, following your amazing journey, as you really explain it in depth with so much feeling and emotion, and i appreciate it.
I have been through so much pain dealing with a divorce, trying to be a father to my 4 year old son.
I understand so much of what you have said, and with having a son, i feel you have to be extra careful to protect your heart, because your children are also part of your heart.
I have dated here and there, and always have had the wall around my heart that you speak of. And i know it is to protect it from being hurt over again. There are some very nice women out there, and from experience, yes they all want to go fast and lay the cards out. I would love that as well and i think its because at these points in our lives, we want to share life with someone else.
And i am really sure that there was probably many great opportunities that i missed because i was so deep into protection mode, that they didnt have a chance before i even called them the first time. And i dont know if that is a sad thing or not.
Recently i made a decision, once i felt comfortable, to slowly drop that drawbridge a little. At least i thought i was, i dont know. I introduced my son, and she introduced her two children. This came so easy to me. I didnt have a very good childhood. I always try to treat all children the way i wanted to be treated as a child. I give them all what I always and still do long for from my parents.
She took such great care of my son, and he did nothing but talk about her, called her beautiful and said he loved her.
I felt like i really had moved forward. She shared that her children really appreciated me as well, and loved how i reached out to them.
We all spent Christmas together. But something really crushed me Christmas morning. When my son woke up, (We slept in seperate rooms) He said to me, “Daddy, i am sad” I asked him why he was sad, Santa had came. He said,”I wish momma was here with us”
The wave of emotions that swept over me was too much to handle. I am actually tearing up as I think about it while writing.
Those few words from a 4 year old boy, my son, stuck with me that entire day, and i know looking back, i became extremely withdrawn.
Had i raised the walls again?
A week later, her and i were out dancing, had a few drinks together. At the end of the night after a slow dance, she grabbed my face and said “Look me in the eyes because i want you to know i am serious, I Love You”
I didnt know what to do or say as she had a few drinks. The next day, i kind of kept it to myself as we rehashed the enjoyable evening we had the night before.
Then two days later (New Years Eve, Eve) she broke the relationship off, first saying she didnt want it to end, but then said she thought it was the best.
I have been crushed since. Sleep, eat, all down.
The pain is really too much, because now, there is another heart that i have to tend to in addition to my own. That is my 4 year old son’s tender heart. I dont know how to explain, that we arent going to see her today. Or she is not going to be able to play camping with you today, when he asks and then starts to cry, which only deepens the pain in my heart.
I have no answers, or solutions, but i know me, and i know that those walls you speak up are probably even higher than they were before, even more so for this women if she decides to reconnect.
And as you mention as well, if i even want to reconnect. But there are days that i do miss her, and i know my son does as well, as the gifts he plays with that she got for him, trigger those great memories he had with her.
Again, thank you for sharing your life, even for a man, i understand, and empathize with your thoughts and actions. I apprecatiate it all……
Bill, I am just so very sorry for this pain you’re going through. I’m trusting that God will bring you comfort and healing, along with your son. He sees all of this. -Elisabeth
Beautifully put Girl!
I believe there is a healthy balance of authenticity and protection necessary. I’m very much a lay-it-on-the table kind of person, yet I have learned to wait until I know someone is a safe person with whom to share all the stuff. It takes time to know all that, at least for me. Because most of all, I needed to trust that I would know when it was safe to share. I have ridden the pendulum from a life of great secrecy and being little known, to baring it all and being a hot mess in front of everyone. It takes both ends to find where I’m most comfortable.
I’ve also learned I’m sort of an all-or-nothing woman. Since that is my tendency, I have to remind myself that I have permission to go slowly, try something, explore and that doesn’t mean I’ve given my heart away! This concept is likely what kept me bound and eventually marrying someone (first husband) who wasn’t best for me…I was “all-in” when I should have been evaluating the relationship more objectively.
I love your post .. your wisdom, your insight, your uthenticity, your openness and all that goes with it Beth. Don’t change! God did make you “YOU” for those reasons you so insightfully shared. That IS why you have this gift and it is why we all can so easily connect with you. My prayer for you is that along this path of life … either God will work out the logistics surrounding this current situation at some point or that your heart will once again heal and that God would sovereignly bring another Mr. Wonderful along made perfectly for you! My heart and spirit feels for you. I lift you up in prayer each day and ask God’s BEST for you.
Blessings over you ~ Denise
Elisabeth….I love your blog. I love your style of writing and how it sucks me in. I seriously get excited when I get an email with your newest post!! As I’m reading, I laugh and cry and totally cheer you on! Like others have said, I feel like you are speaking from MY heart. I just want you to know this. Many blessings to you ~
Stephanie…what totally sweet words! Thank you not just for reading but for taking the time to encourage me! -Elisabeth
Elisabeth, I agree with what Stephanie wrote…every word of it! When I grow up, I wanna be like Elisabeth. I wanna know Jesus as intimately and real-ly as you do. Thank you for your posts.
Maureen, so sweet! But hon, when you grow up, you want to be exactly who Jesus created you to be, no more and no less. 🙂 -Elisabeth
Yeah…you are right. I was being goofy. 🙂 I totally get what you mean, though. Entirely what Jesus wants. Exactly what Jesus wants. Only what Jesus wants.
You are 100% right that your honesty resonates within people. I have gotten so much from your book and your blog because you are not the typical cliche divorce advice giver. You share your experiences and your heart in such a way that has started a mini revolution for women to love themselves, trust God, get support from other women and know that they still have a great life left to lead. Some of us were born to love others with all if our hearts as The Lord does to us. So I don’t think you are wrong in opening up your heart and being truthful. I look back at how hurt I have been and tend to keep walls up to everyone not just those who earned them being put up and let me tell you that is no way of living either, it gets lonely. So I think you will find a good balance and a way to approach future relationships as you grow and learn in your own way. But never stop being the creative, caring person you are just because you feel that’s what you should do, because that is probably one of the traits he liked most about you 🙂
I’ll shoot a prayer your way, hang in there girl! 🙂
Whoa — wish I lived closer to you – I would not ‘stalk’ you – I would say – WE MUST meet for lunch. I know when I found your blog almost 3 years ago ….in May of 2010 it was because of an article you had published with Crosswalk.com and the link brought me to your blog. I read it faithfully. You were blogging daily then, I think, and each time as I read your words ….I was able to say – THAT is how I feel God…and it inspired me to be more real within my own blog and I began to write more.
Writing has been therapy. I used to want to be ‘beth moore’…but that really changed when my own sin and my marriage crashed and then had to be restored…Praise God for that…but….like I said, your words always helped even though our marriages went in different paths. God is THAT creative.
LIke Jonah…I think we all try and run away — when we have to let our hearts hurt here and there – as it keeps us humble, and moldable…and it reminds us – we are human.
Thank you for posting today — I know that there are a good number of women that read my blog, probably a solid 20- 30 on a routine basis as I can ‘check’ my stats and I have literally a few that will stop me in Wal-mart and tell me it helped them or it made them laugh. But when I really speak from my heart and do as you said — share my flaws more than the good stuff…and I am completely raw…I will notice that over 100 will read. I believe there are MANY people out there that read and get an insight because of your gift of writing and I pray I touch as many as you do…as many as Jesus does through you …as I realize it is all HIM.
But Anyway — I got longwinded ..thank you – prayed already today for your heart and know that one day we will rejoice in heaven as that heart is going to be totally healed….and you will have a new twist to your ministry and writing!
Michelle Pritchard
Okeechobee, Florida
Once again, thank you for assuring me that I am not alone in my feelings…my healing. God is good, and He brings people like you into my world to remind me that I am loved just as I am. You touch my heart in most every post. I appreciate your gift of authenticity and transparency. Bless you.
I just found your blog, and I cannot wait to read through it. It sounds like we have a lot in common, including a heart for helping others as they go through it themselves, and helping them to be more real and closer to God. My divorce “anniversary” is coming up on the 11th, and hitting the fourth year of doing things by myself seems to be harder then the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd years. But my relationship with God is beyond anything I could have ever imagined or dreamed up…and I know Him as so much more then I ever thought I needed.
While I had a rebound relationship right after the divorce, I haven’t been brave enough to date since, because I also do not know how to protect/guard my heart…although that is a constant thing I ask of God.
Rooting for you in all your adventures of life! And thank you for your transparency!
Oh, Elisabeth, how my heart resonates with every word of the last few posts. There was this man. Good Man. Logistics. How I finally though, maybe I had met THE ONE. The first time I had a man in my life and we didn’t argue. How the ending was really logistics. How I was told to guard my heart. How do you guard your heart? How I cried myself to sleep and woke up over and over again to remember…we are over. How I am trusting God that He will bring us together again if it is His will. He is still such a good man. Thank you for sharing Psalm 84:11. I needed that one!
Even while I was falling….for the man…..I was reminding myself to go slowly….alas, my heart jumped in. I had printed scriptures about waiting on the LORD. On Monday, 2 weeks after we were “over,” I finally cut the scriptures out on strips and taped them ALL OVER my house. That simple act began to bring peace to my heart. God will strengthen my heart if I wait on Him. He will renew my strength if I wait on Him. I am learning to wait on HIM.
Thank you for sharing your heart, for your transparency, for keeping it real…and again for Psalm 84:11.