Sweet one in a difficult marriage, by now you should know that my heart bleeds for you. I remember with absolute clarity the loneliness, fear, and sadness that I carried around with me everywhere I went, that I only let drip out of me in the privacy of my own home, or in bits and pieces in a counselor’s office or on a friend’s couch.
My story is one of asking for help, quietly, for years, and not being understood fully. And then, years later, when I was barely hanging on, asking for help again, boldly, and finally getting it.
But in between not getting help and getting help, I was waiting to be rescued. I was begging God for help (and he was helping me, just not in the ways I had hoped or wanted at the time). And I was looking for someone to intuit what was really going on and step in and put a stop to the madness.
But no one did.
And so I have to tell you this, in case you are doing the same thing…waiting for someone to come save you: no one is coming. No one is coming to rescue you.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Once I was finally understood, years and years into the pain, I had a band of people who came around me who really listened to me and who completely believed me and who didn’t minimize my pain and who didn’t discount me and who truly got it and who deeply helped me more than I can ever understand or repay.
But no one came crashing into my home during all those in-between waiting-to-be-rescued years and said, “This must stop.” There was no knight. There was no white horse. There was no guy from church who I hoped would have caught my hints. I was on my own during those years.
And, you are too.
But don’t let that scare you. I know it can be debilitating to consider yourself your own hero, but that’s not what I’m suggesting. You are not your own hero; I am certainly not mine. But instead of being scared, let the knowledge that no one is coming stir you up to action.
You need to be your own advocate. No one knows the intricacies of your relationship like you do. No one knows your heart like you do. Catherine Kroeger and Nancy Nason-Clark in No Place for Abuse put it this way, “We must help women understand that they have the God-given right to make moral and spiritual decisions. Women must answer to God and not to their husband, their relatives or their faith community.”
II Timothy 1: 7 says that God promises that he has not given us a spirit of fear or timidity, but instead a spirit of power, of love, and of a sound mind. Do you believe that about yourself? (Despite what you may be hearing on a regular basis…) You, sweet one, are not to live in fear. You are not to make decisions based on timidity. If you know Christ personally, you have his resurrection power already in you. You have his love tucked away inside you. And you, no matter what you’ve been told, have the capacity to have a sound mind (and it will become even sounder as the lights come on regarding the possible abuse you’ve been experiencing).
So, if this is you…if you are in a difficult Christian marriage and there is addiction or abuse of any kind and you are just hoping beyond hope that one of these days someone will notice what’s going on in your family, odds are they won’t. (Not because people are mean, but because people are a, very focused on their own lives, as people tend to be, and b, not always aware of the signs of addiction or abuse, especially if you and your husband are playing the part of the perfect Christian family.) So this isn’t a time for blame.
But it is a time for determining that if you need something in your relationship to change – if you or your children are being physically or emotionally hurt on a regular basis, you are the one who is going to have to take that step. You will have to ask for help. You will have to be brave. You will have to say the words out loud, “I think my husband is an alcoholic,” or “I think my husband abuses me,” or “I’m going to AlAnon,” or “I’m starting counseling whether you come with me or not”. You are going to have to do this. And you – through Christ – can do this.
If this post helped you, I would encourage you to check out “Surviving in a Difficult Christian Marriage”, found here.
Thank you for this. This is EXACTLY what happened to me. I begged for some help, some intervention for the emotional abuse and neglect for 2 years…. and later on….an affair (maybe 2). His parents (elders in the church) would not intervene until it was too late and they KNEW and SAW what was going on. We are separated right now and I am at a new church, where they want to help…but he is gone so it is too late. It is never too late for GOD, I have to keep reminding myself….
So incredibly true. I waited….and waited…and waited… I no longer wait – and no one ever came around.
For me, the Lord had to literally pry my fingers from around my own mindset that I was not going to break the vow – even as my children and I were being shattered and broken in every sense of the word.
The Lord revealed it in a myriad of ways – from the supernatural to asking me great questions such as, “Angel, how can you break a vow that another never fulfilled?” or me witnessing as Nic Vujicic met one of my sons and then in a loud, booming, angry voice demanded, “Where’s this boy’s father?” Nic then spoke over my son’s father and his bad behavior. Nothing moved my former spouse to change, but the Lord’s intentions were to move me since he knew the hardness of my former spouse’s heart. The Lord heard my cries and captured my daily tears and He came with the right answer – just not my best picture of what I thought would occur (healing, change, radical transformation).
Finally, through a dream (which God is consistent in communicating with me in this way) He revealed for me to “Look up” (keep my eyes focused on Him – nothing else), “Stand up!” (shore yourself up, brace yourself, be brave and confident), and “Walk out by faith…” (calling me out an extremely abusive marriage where cycles never changed).
Wow! A powerful blog and equally powerful reply by Angel that really resonates with me. Thank you for sharing the intimate details of your heart.
Such a good word! As a child in this situation I can remember my mom waiting, hoping, wishing that someone would step in ~ and no one did. As a child watching this, it settled in my heart that God did not rescue and did not save. And by the way, we were the Christian family with the picture perfect portrayal of good. When I reached my teen years I was finally in a place where I could begin choosing to get out of the abuse, but even that didn’t happen till I was 20. God is able to heal. He is able to untangle the truth from the lies and make us whole, whether we are the children or the spouse caught in abuse.
If you are a mom staying in this abusive relationship so the children still have a father (or mother as the case may be) you need to accept that damage has already been done ~ Help your children begin healing by getting out and healing yourself. Healthy boundaries are better than waiting for someone else to save you.
I also relate to this, Elisabeth. I erroneously thought that someone in the church *had* to rescue me because I believed that what I was experiencing was clearly unjust. Even before I could name it “abuse”–I knew it was unjust. And I thought that somehow, some way, someone in the church (first I hoped for a peer, eventually, I hoped for a leader) to come charging in and shout, “In the name of God, this unjustness must cease!” Well, I came to understand that I was wrong. Even if the church *should* have been able to do that (and now I’m not even sure they *should*) I realize that the church simply *can’t* reliably do that in all circumstances. It just doesn’t work. I thought something external could *make* my husband become a good one. But no one but God and myself could make the ultimate decisions to put a stop to it. I know it seems a little pagan, but a dear friend of mine gave me a tongue-in-cheeck T-shirt that says, “Self Rescuing Princess.” And that’s exactly what I’ve determined to be, “Hello my name is child of the One True King…” That does make me a princess, afterall 🙂
Wonderful words of encouragement! Every time I read one of your blogs I am blessed. I claim this verse over and over for many situations, and, yes, secretly in my heart, I want to be rescued but time after time after I get through a rough patch, it’s just me and God, my Kinsman Redeemer!
Your posts are very encouraging. I remember hearing about a woman who was being abused and people saying how *wonderful* it was that she was staying in her marriage. Then a woman in the church asked me several times about when I was going to get married and was on a mission to find someone for me to marry relatively quickly. Needless to say, it didn’t happen and here I am today in a healthy church that denounces abuse. One risk that an older single Christian might face is being whisked away into a whirlwind courtship that could turn out to be verbally abusive relationships and/or riddled with relational strife because not enough time was taken to see if it was even psychologically safe to be in a relationship with someone. I’m sure you know that it is quite “normal” to hear about couples that got engaged and married relatively quickly in order to have the opportunity to start a family and live a married life. I have a blog that promotes safe dating and well being for single Christians of all orientations, primarily over 25 years old.
I am posting this to my facebook. Thanks Elisabeth.
Thank you, Rebecca! -Elisabeth
Thanks Elizabeth…excellent word. I absolutely wanted to be rescued and I felt so unseen by the church and by God. Wow, that was soooo hard! I wonder if we in the church encourage healthy boundaries in marriage, or is it stay married at any cost? I think we desperately need a conversation to happenhappen, and I am thankful that you are speaking up. Bless you sister.
Shannon, I agree. This needs to be talked about much more. I’ll keep it going! 🙂 -Elisabeth
Thank you, Elisabeth! You wrote that article for me and it spoke to my heart today and made me cry! God bless you!
Aww, Susan! So grateful my words resonated with you. -Elisabeth
Elisabeth,
As all the other posts, I too thank you for your encouraging word today of “not being rescued….I too found myself in December 2005 thinking “is anyone coming to intervene?” Then in Nov 2007, God did, He exposed what only He could see within the heart. Heb. 4:13. Yes, it came to me taking a step so that I and my child could live based on Deut 30:19-20.
Through it I watched God break the “status quo” and people begin questioning what they could now see that before looked just normal and healthly….but setting boundaries in marriage is a key to breaking the status quo..thankful through it God could bring order based on His Truth of His Word….
Praying…..
Carolyn, so glad to hear how God has walked you through your process with his Word. Encouraged. -Elisabeth
So So true Elisabeth! I also waited for someone to rescue me. First one pastor at my church, then two years later, a Christian counselor (also a man). Then another pastor. None of them would do it. Finally, I called the National Domestic Violence Hotline myself. They told me to read the Verbally Abusive Relationship. Yep. That is what was happening in my house. (Well, by then it was actually physical abuse as well.) They also suggested I go to my local women’s crisis center, which I did. Within 6 weeks, I found a lawyer, got a restraining order, and had him removed from my home. I took 20 years to make the call, only 6 weeks to do the rescuing. I never looked back.