You Are Not His Messenger: Learning to Let Go and Let God

During those early days, something came to my attention that really upset me—something about my kids when they weren’t in my care.

I immediately began composing an email in my head: full of reprimands, corrections, and critiques. But before I hit send, I talked to a friend—someone more level-headed than I was at that in-pain time. He gently reminded me of something he’d said before:

“You are not the messenger. Those words won’t be heard from you.”

Ugh. I hated that. Not because it wasn’t true—it was—but because of what it revealed. It wasn’t just that I wasn’t his messenger anymore. It was that I never should have been.

I had appointed myself that role long ago.

I was the self-appointed mother.
The self-appointed Holy Spirit.
The self-appointed judge.
The self-appointed parole officer.
The self-appointed critic.
The self-appointed worst enemy.

(And yes, I’m ashamed of that. And I’m sorry.)

To the Divorced

Sweet ones, I hate to break it to you, but you are not your ex-husband’s anything.

Yes, there will be moments when communication is necessary for the kids or logistics. But that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about the urge to correct him, critique him, or try to parent his choices.

If he parents in a way you don’t approve of, your reproach won’t help—it will likely backfire. It may only serve to anger him and cause more pain.

To the Still-Married

And to my friends who are still married—you’re not off the hook.

You are not your husband’s soul-changer or heart-changer or word-changer or behavior-changer or anything-changer.

Yes, you’re partners. Yes, you’re “in this together.” But if he does something you disapprove of, calling it out over and over rarely helps. In fact, it often makes your life harder.

Al-Anon teaches that you can say something once, respectfully. But anything beyond once starts to veer into nagging—and control. Yikes, but true.

A Needed Disclaimer

If you or your children are being physically or sexually harmed, please know this message does not apply to that situation. Abuse must be addressed. You deserve safety, protection, and help—from a counselor, trusted friend, or even the authorities if needed.

What to Do Instead

Here’s what I suggest—and you’re probably going to hate it at first.

1. Pray.

Only the Holy Spirit can act as the Holy Spirit. Only He can truly change a heart.

So when you’re beside yourself with anger, fear, or sadness over what your husband or ex-husband is doing—how he parents, how he lives, how he treats you—pray.

Ask the Holy Spirit to heal him.
Ask the Holy Spirit to protect him.
Ask the Holy Spirit to protect your children.
Ask the Holy Spirit to protect you.

Even if those prayers taste like vinegar in your mouth—pray anyway.

2. Let It Go.

I know. I hate letting things go too.

But here’s what I’m learning: the more you practice releasing things, the faster the next one will fall from your hand.

These days, I find myself shaking my head and handing things over to Jesus—things that would’ve sent me spiraling a year ago.

Sometimes I literally lift my hand toward heaven and say, “Jesus, take it.”
It helps.

Then, I remind my mind to stop rethinking, replaying, overanalyzing. I replace those thoughts with better ones. It’s not easy—but it’s worth it.

3. Move On.

After you pray and release, move forward.

Do the next thing in front of you.
Check your email.
Walk the dog.
Make tea.
Write a note to a friend.
Live your life—and let him live his.

He will one day account for his choices. And God will one day set all things right.

A Final Thought

For some of us, this is a brand-new concept. So here’s a phrase you might need to memorize, for when the urge to “fix” him hits:

I am not his messenger.
I give this to You, Jesus.

And as you do, I believe God will honor your effort—
and you’ll take one beautiful step closer to freedom.